Wed, 06 Sep 2006 01:08:22 GMT

All I want to do is work and earn money and save it.
And sleep. And when I am good and ready,
after I've lost weight and grown out my hair;
after I've gotten my life semi straightened out,
then I want to fall in love for real,
I want to FEEL IT, I want it to hurt, I want it to burn inside of me
the way it did, once.
Once before.
Drugs are just clocks lately; they help me to pass the time.
Friends are few and far between, oh god how I miss some of them,
some of them I will never let them leave me,
and some are gone forever. I wonder where they are, who they are,
and I hope no matter what the answers to those questions are
that they are happy.

I miss my family. I miss my parents.
A year from now, I won't be this girl anymore.
I will be a happy adult. Please oh please,
I need to make something, ANYTHING of myself,
so when people ask me what I've been up to I have exciting answers.
I want to be a good girl.
I want to be a good girl.

I lose friends, I neglect friends,
Friends become accquaintences,
I don't see anyone unless I see them by chance,
I choose to live this way, I do.
Where are you old familiar faces?
Pretty boys and pretty girls, I've let you go.
I let them go. I did. Goodbye.

Terrified to make the same mistakes twice;
after work tomorrow I am going to try to get a library card
and will take out books and read in my spare time,
my knowledge is stagnant my vocabulary lacks,
I am not as educated or as smart or well read as I'd like to be,
I could talk to a stranger about a book or politics,
or songs or music, I want to be interesting,
I want strangers to find me interesting with stories I'd tell them.

I don't lie anymore, either,
it makes life harder, I promise.
I went back to NJ and again focused on Memphis,
I wish I had seen more people,
spent more time with the people I did see;
regret is an anchor.

Now, I let others speak.
I listen. I act interested.
I hold open doors and I always say please and thank you
Because right now, for right now, that's the most I can do.
Adventure, love, tragedy, something, anything, nothing....
I am wanting craving needing yearning to LIVE again.
One day, someday, I'm being smarter this time around,
I promise.

luamonroe